The DNC

I guess I get my conservative roots from my parents, mentors and friends. However, I have attempted to keep a somewhat open mind to the Democratic Party. In my lifetime there have only been two Democrat Presidents (Carter and Clinton). I think this speaks to the overall values of our nation. With this in mind we enter a new political season and the brink of history as Senator Obama accepts his party's nomination. I watched Hillary's speech last night and thought she walked the line pretty tight between supporting Obama and letting people know she is the better candidate. It was a speech meant to bring unity to a party that is harshly divided but in the end it just reminded Hillary supporters why they would rather have her as their candidate than Barack. As a Republican I would rather have seen Hillary win the nomination because I believe she would be able to handle the rigors of the presidency better than Barack. I just can't believe that a party (less likely a whole nation) would nominate someone with so little experience and history in politics. Twelve years ago he was attending a convention dreaming and was probably inspired to give it a swing and now he is months away from being the leader of the free world. It speaks well to the American Dream but is it best for the country?

Don't get me wrong- I am not a huge supporter of McCain. He has voted against conservative ideas and has developed legislation that was in contrast to the Republican party. He was even considered to run as a Democrat V.P and is now considering former democrats as his running mate! But, in the end, I believe that McCain is more prepared than Obama to lead this nation. When Georgia was attacked by Russia (and Russia said the US had no room for criticism and Barack AGREED!!!) I could not help but laugh when one of our senators (Evan Bayh) had to say with a straight face that Barack was more prepared to handle the situation than McCain. I just imagined Barack wanting to hide and hence his pick of Biden. If Democrats biggest criticism of Bush was that he was a dumb, incompetetent puppet of the right wing branch of the Republican party then what is their defense of Obama? He picked a candidate that is status quo turning from his staple "change and hope" message to "same ole". He betrayed his followers by picking someone engrossed in the Washington culture, who could be a bulldog and viciously attack a close friend for the "good" of the party, because he couldn't do it himself.

When Karin and I first got married I had just accepted that I was going to vote Republican. She challenged my beliefs but in the end it turned out that I really hold to more conservative values- some of these are privatizing social security, keeping health care out of government, pro-life and school vouchers so kids can attend the best schools and not just the ones they are assigned. I do not support a government that wants to continue to take more of my money and demands to take care of me from the cradle to the grave. I have seen welfare babies and people who have been trapped by this system. I know the difficulty of having a family and not being able to afford health insurance and struggling to buy groceries. However, I do not believe government bailouts are the answer. I saw how socialized health care bankrupted Tennessee and how it was abused by people who had no reason to be on it.

Listening to "Dingy Harry" Reid I am reminded of one other point- this idea that McCain is an extension of Bush. It is laughable at best. Yes, according to Obama's commercials he has voted with Bush 95% of the time over the past year but that was to shore up the base. It is politics. Obama has become more centrist and will continue to move to the right. I don't think anyone in the Republican party is confident that McCain will reinforce all of their values but we are pretty confident that Obama doesn't recognize even the validity of our perspective.

I have some friends and family who are deeply passionate about Obama's candidacy. I don't understand their support. If I looked past his policies, gaffes and misunderstanding of world affairs I just cannot get past his inexperience. I think he is a nice guy with a wonderful family who he loves and loves him. He is a good dad and husband and probably could be a good president someday. But, is this really his time? I know he won't be the youngest president but he will be the most inexperienced and is that what we need at this time in our nation's history? A time of war, recession, "climate change", slumping housing market, rising jobless rates, record deficit and a broken education system where only 40% of kids graduate. I don't know- maybe he'll surprise me if he wins. Or maybe there will only be two more Democrat Presidents in my lifetime.

Mentors

The best mentoring relationships are the ones that happen naturally...

I was in high school when I started attending youth group at First Baptist Church in Franklin, TN. A new youth pastor was coming in the fall of 1990. I remember hearing him speak for the first time. It was during Sunday School and he talked about transforming our schools and looking for student leaders. He said if no one in this group would step up then he would go into our schools and find new people. We knew he threw down the gauntlet and we were ready to answer.


When he came on board he handpicked his leaders. I was not one of them. He must not have known who I was. A friend and I decided to crash the leaders Bible study and welcome ourselves in to it. He opened the door with a confused look but allowed us to participate. He quickly warmed up to us and took me under his wing. I learned so much from that friendship and continue to be influenced by him today. He was my first mentor.


I'm not sure exactly how everyone perceived me in college but I know some people looked up to me. There were several times in my upper classmen years when underclassmen would ask me to "mentor" them. I always said "no". This wasn't a pride thing it was a belief that mentoring relationships almost always happen naturally. I had people that mentored me (David Gushee, Mike Mallard among the many) and some that I mentored but it was never "forced".


Now that I'm older it's much harder to find people to be mentored by and to mentor. I am currently working at a place where I would not think to find a mentor. But, nevertheless God has brought people around me to grow and challenge me. My boss in particular is one of those people. For whatever reason he has taken me under his wing and is giving me a lot of guidance, encouragement and friendship. I've tried to let him know that I appreciate his help and he just shrugs it off- not in a bad way but just in a way that says it's not necessary.

I'm learning a lot about humility these days and I believe this is a direct result of being where I am. Pride is a killer and I can be so easily seduced by it. I have called more on God during this past year through this job than I probably did during our church plant. It is stretching me and shaping me in new ways.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on mentors? People who have been mentors to you and people you've mentored? You can give them props here:

The '167

How did I end up in the middle of a cornfield in the middle of nowhere? Were we really "hearing from God"? Or, were we just impulsive? I look at the reasons why we left Tennessee- the ministry was very intense, our marriage needed to be focused on and we wanted to provide a better life for Tayler. At the time we were a part of a growing ministry in the inner-city and foster parents to two beautiful girls that we had hoped to adopt. We knew that moving anywhere out of state would surely mean saying good-bye to them forever. But, since we didn't know how long they would be in foster care we could not base our lives around them. If we had we probably would not have stayed together long enough anyway.

When I started looking at jobs the church in Pittsboro (the '167) contacted me from a youth ministry website. I was still pretty naive about church ministry and excited to have the opportunity to tackle this challenge. I'm not sure if we thought through things the way we probably should have but then again we planned our wedding in about two weeks. We were used to being impulsive-damn the consequences. How we have grown!

We had talked about moving to Pennsylvania, California, New York and international ministries. We desired to be somewhere with good schools and good opportunities. When we came to visit the church here in Indiana we felt right at home. I connected well with the pastor and the leadership team. It "felt right". I was told numerous times later that they prayed more about bringing me on board than they had many other decisions. I'm sure some have felt as disillusioned as I have over how things ended in light of the amount of prayer.

When I began my Masters program I thought I could take several different directions. I had approached the pastor about possibly taking on an associate pastors role as I looked way down the road at pastoring. I also began looking at jobs such as missions director, youth pastorates at larger churches, and again with international ministries. But, after "much prayer", we decided to plant our roots here and buy a house. Again, I wonder if that was God providing for us or if we just did our own thing. I look at the fact that there is NO WAY that we could have gotten a loan if God were not a part of it. Our credit is terrible and yet we have a regular loan with an awesome fixed rate. So, I do see God's hand in that...but why?

Why here? It makes no sense. I offered myself to go into full-time vocational ministry. What I have learned is that there is a lot of politics, back-stabbing, self-serving leaders and if you don't play the game then you are shuffled to the side. I saw this going through the church planting process as well. It's really disappointing. Being in "full-time ministry" is more management than actually ministry. I've been successful in the regular work place because of my ministry experience. Dealing with jr.high kids at an all-nighter out of state and coming back to hear parents "concerns" over the trip makes dealing with the corporate world a breeze.

There are times that I definitely think about going back into youth ministry- but then I find my heart just is not in a structured ministry setting. I love, and I mean love, talking with students and hearing what's going on in their lives. I used to dream of just cancelling youth group all together and just going to hang out. Near the end of my time at the last church that's mostly what I did with the high school group. But, those times sealed lasting friendships. It was a great group of passionate, odd-ball, close-knit kids.

I often wonder if I have anything else to give and sometimes I find my heart racing with ideas and creativity. I find myself discussing post-modern youth ministry and the importance of relationships, experience and story-telling. I think of mission trips, concerts and yes, lock-ins. I used to tell people that I was a "lifer" in youth ministry. I mean I did just spend two years of my life earning a Masters degree in it. But, I also see that for now that door has either closed or I am too fearful to step out again.

Which reminds me of why I started this post- fear and faith. I wonder if we ended up in Pittsboro out of fear of reaching for something more and failing or faith that this is where we were supposed to be. I wonder if Restoration church didn't take off like it could have because I was afraid of failing or it just wasn't God's timing. I wonder if I'm at the job that I am because I am afraid to do something I can be passionate about or because God has a bigger purpose and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. All "signs" point to the latter. I have never been treated with such respect from a boss with the exception of one internship where the pastor was my former youth pastor.

I guess in the big scheme of things spending five to ten years in Pittsboro will be a blip on the map of our lives. I know that we have been shaped into better people through adversity here and that our marriage is stronger. We have seen miracles and lives changed. We have seen Tayler continue growing into a confident, hard-working, responsible young man. So, whether we are here out of fear or faith God has worked it out for our good and (hopefully) for his glory. My hope is that we will learn to move our lives forward in faith rather than fear and we will see God do inexplicably more than we can ask or imagine.

Happy Mothers Day

I was wondering how this day would unfold. I've had a sense of dread as it approached. But, here goes...

Mom, I love you and I miss you. I know we didn't talk the last several years you were here but I thought about you often. As parents we often hope our children will understand and appreciate the sacrifices and decisions we made while they were kids. I think of the traditions you instilled in us and a sense of belief in ourselves. I'm sure my life has been more influenced by you than even I realize. I remember you playing your Christian music for us (specifically Amy Grant) and reading the Bible to us on occasions. I remember watching Christmas movies with you and having the sense that I was your favorite. At your funeral I learned that all three of us felt that way and I am amazed that you could do that. I think of my 17th birthday party where I was at a small group Bible study until late hanging out with friends and I came home to see that you had baked me a cake and left me a card. I remember the sting of that night and feeling like I had let you down.

You loved us unconditinally and gave us all you had. While I still don't understand all of your decisions I regret that I didn't tell you how much you meant to me. However, I have taken that lesson to heart and have tried harder to show those that I love how much they mean to me. I try and encourage others to let go of their grudges because nothing hurts more than an unresolved hurt that will never be resolved. I wish we had more time together but the reality is that if you were still here we probably wouldn't be any closer because I would still be living with the false idea that I have more time.

When we had our first ultrasound the name of the ultrasound tech. was Nancy. Liz pointed out that maybe you were looking down on us. I don't doubt it. People have given me all kinds of encouragement over the past several months and I want to believe that somehow you see me, know the depth of my love and that I am forgiven.

The Church of Causes

I want to start this by acknowledging that I knew this day was coming but did not know exactly what it would look like. We have been living in a time that many would call the age of denominations. People once clung to their denomination and shunned all others. We see it in our little town where there are only three churches and none of them work together. It's a very odd, old-school way of thinking. It was interesting to trace some of these rivalries back almost two hundred years. Who knows why it began- theological perspectives, church polity, politics. But, we are coming into a time when pastors and denominational leaders are not as concerned about following the denominational policies.

A good example is that I was at my dad's church last weekend. It's a presbyterian church. I grew up Presbyterian and appreciate the traditions of the church. However, the men in a particular Bible study believed there was no longer a need for the Presbytery- in a Presbyterian church! They wanted to have autonomy- similar to Southern Baptists. This is going on in churches all over the country. When we were in our church planting class last year many of the newly approved pastors admitted they were not going to teach Wesleyan theology or stay with Wesleyan policies even though the Wesleyan church was sponsoring them. The surprising thing is the denominational leaders approved of it.

So, where does this leave us? Several years ago I attended a church conference where the leaders were talking about affinity groups. These have a different feel than denominations because denominations were based on theology and doctrine as a uniting factor. In our culture people are more drawn together around particular causes- from environmentalism to Africa. Theology and doctrine are seen as pretty much the same regardless of the name on the front of the church. Even though there are vast differences between denominations in beliefs of baptism, salvation and sanctification many people are more concerned with style of worship and the causes a particular church supports.

Church leaders tend to gravitate towards this because it can take some pressure off of more traditional discipleship (personal Bible study, prayer, spiritual disciplines such as fasting and silence, and accountability). Instead of using the Bible we are fed conventional wisdom from rock stars and celebrities (Bono, Oprah, George Harrison). Attending church can feel no different than attending a rally sponsored by ONE or a U2 concert. It can actually be significantly more boring and less fulfilling.

So, righteousness is seen in the passion for a particular cause and how much you are willing to support it- through wearing shirts, bracelets, having a background on your blog or myspace and actual giving. We have exalted our causes over Christ. It is easy to take whatever cause is popular for a particular community and tag on a Bible verse. But, this is not just happening in churches it is also happening in politics. Nancy Pelosi (the Speaker of the House), this week, used scripture to fit her particular theology. She talked about our taking care of the environment as an act of worship. Many of those running for office have made clear that they are Christian, as opposed to some other faith (which will be another post), and have shown how Jesus would support them. It is really embarrassing.

I guess the Church is continuing to evolve and will continue to change. I believe in raising awareness (I was talking about Darfur long before it became trendy) and I support several different causes myself (I don't want to be seen as a heretic after all). But, I also like being a part of a church that teaches discipleship as becoming like Jesus that transforms us from the inside out. Causes do not change our hearts- only Christ can. Causes alone will leave us empty and our message powerless.

A Wasted Life...

There have been times in the past few months where I honestly believed I had lost faith. I felt like a pragmatic agnostic. I knew God existed but I'm not so sure if he cared about me. Nothing in the past year has gone according to plan. So, I thought if God had turned his back on me then I would return the favor. I was going through the motions of a loyal servant knowing in my head that my emotions were not right but I could do nothing about my heart. I was as lost as I've felt in a long time and alone. I had been burned out on the institutional church and continued to be disappointed. I knew my bitterness and anger had reached a breaking point when I wanted to basically tell God...well, something that would be inappropriate here. I was driving in my car to pick Tayler up from school and an older song came on the radio. It was "wake me up inside" by Evanescence. The words hit me hard- it probably sounds cheesy but the phrase "save me from the nothing I've become" just rang so true. I felt like I had become nothing doing nothing. I felt if I had disappeared I would barely be noticed. I know every person struggles with feelings of insignificance and this was my time.

It's been a long time since I've been pruned. Church had become comfortable to me- a routine. I was more comfortable with the routine of the Church rather than the being confronted by the Person of Christ. I did my duty, lead the Bible studies, said the prayers, offered counseling and hopefully inspired others to follow Christ. However, my heart had been wrapped in fear, worry and doubt for far too long. I was talking with a friend of mine who is a youth pastor and he said working with jr. high kids is good because they tend to just beleive and not question their faith. He figured we should follow their example sometimes. For me, I've stuffed the questions down for so long. I toed the company line with whatever particular church I was serving. Just in the past few years have I started really questioning and seeking real answers regardless of what is "acceptable". I want to get to the truth- and yes, I can handle it (I hope). I started wondering about what I really believed about the Bible, God, Jesus, Christianity, salvation, baptism, the Church and prayer. I even interviewed with a church and was able to discourse orthodox Christian beliefs. However, the truth of my struggle came out when I preached.

I am at a strange place in my journey. I feel a sense of loss and have, until recently, sensed very little hope. One of my greatest fears is to live a wasted life. I don't want to be searching for answers only to come to the end of my life and see that I was too afraid to move forward. One of my friends rebuked the spirit of fear over my life. I appreciate his prayers and have sensed more hope since then. But, I have to be honest and say that I am still at a place of confusion- which is probably exactly where God wants me to be. I just don't want to be at this same place in five or ten years stuck asking these same questions.Brian