The '167

How did I end up in the middle of a cornfield in the middle of nowhere? Were we really "hearing from God"? Or, were we just impulsive? I look at the reasons why we left Tennessee- the ministry was very intense, our marriage needed to be focused on and we wanted to provide a better life for Tayler. At the time we were a part of a growing ministry in the inner-city and foster parents to two beautiful girls that we had hoped to adopt. We knew that moving anywhere out of state would surely mean saying good-bye to them forever. But, since we didn't know how long they would be in foster care we could not base our lives around them. If we had we probably would not have stayed together long enough anyway.

When I started looking at jobs the church in Pittsboro (the '167) contacted me from a youth ministry website. I was still pretty naive about church ministry and excited to have the opportunity to tackle this challenge. I'm not sure if we thought through things the way we probably should have but then again we planned our wedding in about two weeks. We were used to being impulsive-damn the consequences. How we have grown!

We had talked about moving to Pennsylvania, California, New York and international ministries. We desired to be somewhere with good schools and good opportunities. When we came to visit the church here in Indiana we felt right at home. I connected well with the pastor and the leadership team. It "felt right". I was told numerous times later that they prayed more about bringing me on board than they had many other decisions. I'm sure some have felt as disillusioned as I have over how things ended in light of the amount of prayer.

When I began my Masters program I thought I could take several different directions. I had approached the pastor about possibly taking on an associate pastors role as I looked way down the road at pastoring. I also began looking at jobs such as missions director, youth pastorates at larger churches, and again with international ministries. But, after "much prayer", we decided to plant our roots here and buy a house. Again, I wonder if that was God providing for us or if we just did our own thing. I look at the fact that there is NO WAY that we could have gotten a loan if God were not a part of it. Our credit is terrible and yet we have a regular loan with an awesome fixed rate. So, I do see God's hand in that...but why?

Why here? It makes no sense. I offered myself to go into full-time vocational ministry. What I have learned is that there is a lot of politics, back-stabbing, self-serving leaders and if you don't play the game then you are shuffled to the side. I saw this going through the church planting process as well. It's really disappointing. Being in "full-time ministry" is more management than actually ministry. I've been successful in the regular work place because of my ministry experience. Dealing with jr.high kids at an all-nighter out of state and coming back to hear parents "concerns" over the trip makes dealing with the corporate world a breeze.

There are times that I definitely think about going back into youth ministry- but then I find my heart just is not in a structured ministry setting. I love, and I mean love, talking with students and hearing what's going on in their lives. I used to dream of just cancelling youth group all together and just going to hang out. Near the end of my time at the last church that's mostly what I did with the high school group. But, those times sealed lasting friendships. It was a great group of passionate, odd-ball, close-knit kids.

I often wonder if I have anything else to give and sometimes I find my heart racing with ideas and creativity. I find myself discussing post-modern youth ministry and the importance of relationships, experience and story-telling. I think of mission trips, concerts and yes, lock-ins. I used to tell people that I was a "lifer" in youth ministry. I mean I did just spend two years of my life earning a Masters degree in it. But, I also see that for now that door has either closed or I am too fearful to step out again.

Which reminds me of why I started this post- fear and faith. I wonder if we ended up in Pittsboro out of fear of reaching for something more and failing or faith that this is where we were supposed to be. I wonder if Restoration church didn't take off like it could have because I was afraid of failing or it just wasn't God's timing. I wonder if I'm at the job that I am because I am afraid to do something I can be passionate about or because God has a bigger purpose and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. All "signs" point to the latter. I have never been treated with such respect from a boss with the exception of one internship where the pastor was my former youth pastor.

I guess in the big scheme of things spending five to ten years in Pittsboro will be a blip on the map of our lives. I know that we have been shaped into better people through adversity here and that our marriage is stronger. We have seen miracles and lives changed. We have seen Tayler continue growing into a confident, hard-working, responsible young man. So, whether we are here out of fear or faith God has worked it out for our good and (hopefully) for his glory. My hope is that we will learn to move our lives forward in faith rather than fear and we will see God do inexplicably more than we can ask or imagine.