Happy Mothers Day

I was wondering how this day would unfold. I've had a sense of dread as it approached. But, here goes...

Mom, I love you and I miss you. I know we didn't talk the last several years you were here but I thought about you often. As parents we often hope our children will understand and appreciate the sacrifices and decisions we made while they were kids. I think of the traditions you instilled in us and a sense of belief in ourselves. I'm sure my life has been more influenced by you than even I realize. I remember you playing your Christian music for us (specifically Amy Grant) and reading the Bible to us on occasions. I remember watching Christmas movies with you and having the sense that I was your favorite. At your funeral I learned that all three of us felt that way and I am amazed that you could do that. I think of my 17th birthday party where I was at a small group Bible study until late hanging out with friends and I came home to see that you had baked me a cake and left me a card. I remember the sting of that night and feeling like I had let you down.

You loved us unconditinally and gave us all you had. While I still don't understand all of your decisions I regret that I didn't tell you how much you meant to me. However, I have taken that lesson to heart and have tried harder to show those that I love how much they mean to me. I try and encourage others to let go of their grudges because nothing hurts more than an unresolved hurt that will never be resolved. I wish we had more time together but the reality is that if you were still here we probably wouldn't be any closer because I would still be living with the false idea that I have more time.

When we had our first ultrasound the name of the ultrasound tech. was Nancy. Liz pointed out that maybe you were looking down on us. I don't doubt it. People have given me all kinds of encouragement over the past several months and I want to believe that somehow you see me, know the depth of my love and that I am forgiven.